It’s actually been quite challenging for a while now.
Today in particular, my boundaries were not respected.
That can be a very delicate situation for me – triggering even.
That makes it that much more difficult for me to get back to myself immediately following an episode.
When episodes occur, I may look like me and sound like me, but I am not me, per say.
My thoughts are not my own, so I may react to something totally out of character. I can’t help it and usually don’t know what I am doing really until I come down from that episode.
It’s a very delicate balance keeping the peace.
I can’t have a lot of disruption in my life – I try to keep it to a minimum but you cannot control all things.
People have minds of their own and can ignore your explicit wishes if they so choose.
It doesn’t mean I will (or have to) react well.
Situations like this can swing me right back into the episode I had been struggling to get out of – and that is exhausting.
I just want to be understood and to have a real advocate.
Not a half assed one that can’t protect me when I am in my most fragile state.
I understand everyone has their own issues but if I had a visible disorder like seizures, people would stop what they were doing to help me and make sure I was okay before things went right back to normal.
I don’t get that luxury.
I wish I had better words so that I can at least get out exactly what I’m going through.
This is really hard and I am stuck trying to figure out how to deal with it all by myself.
I spend much of the time trying to teach others about my disorder and counsel them through dealing with me.
Who is my advocate?
I don’t have the strength to advocate for everyone else anymore.
I just want to be understood.
Today was a bummer – in a way.
I just hate how things went but I felt ambushed.
Doesn’t make since to some people, but they don’t understand my out of control mind.
At least I have some peace now, for a while.