Hair today, gone tomorrow

I’ve slowly been accepting embracing a more natural me.
Both inside and out.
Accepting my hair has been a challenge.
I’m not sure why,  but it has been.
I’ve been natural before,  several times actually and I happily embraced it and celebrated my hair.
I eventually would feel pressured by employment aspects and lose steam and resort back to relaxing.
This last time though,  I just accepted (what I thought was) the fact that I was just always going to be relaxed.
So I committed to growing my hair and ‘never cutting it again’.
Only to discover early on that the hair in my crown does not do well with relaxer.
In its natural state it is the softest part of my hair (it’s all very soft natural).
Relaxed on the other hand,  it’s a quickly graying, wiry, hard, and dry mess that breaks and never gets any longer than 3 inches.
The rest of my hair however flourishes relaxed.
Go figure.
I was quickly developing a bald spot.
IN THE TOP OF MY HEAD!
I am kind of forced to go natural.
I never quite knew how to style my hair,  relaxed or natural.  But my husband really didn’t like my natural hair looking unkempt and that’s a LOT of pressure on me because I have to go natural now to save my hair.
Don’t get me wrong,  I can’t wait for my natural hair to grow back in (I relaxed just 2 weeks before I decided to save my hair) to feel it’s softness and finger my curls!
I’m more concerned with how I will be accepted by my husband.
Anyone else,  I could care less.
He often exclaims his disdain for older women wearing small afros.
I’m going  to have a small afro for a while.
I really can’t deal with the jokes or being insecure about it.
Sigh
Pressure to always have my hair done.
Oh well, natural hair is a lifestyle change so…